Observation from Correspondent

“K,” a chronically ill patient, to whom I had given all of my attention and skill and beyond for several years, wrote unexpectedly telling me that she had found a better acupuncturist from whom she is receiving more help than I had ever given her. Under my care she had reportedly improved significantly and yet this sudden disaffection accompanied by a diminishment of my ability and service has been very painful and made me very angry. I see her as a borderline personality and have the feeling that I will hear from her again.

Answer by Dr. Hammer

As I read the saga about your patient “K” I experienced the anguish of the betrayal. It is impossible not to want to give back the hurt one receives when one opens one’s heart and a knife is the reply. The dilemma is that one cannot do this work well without an open heart, love, and respect, and therefore one is always vulnerable. It is important to assess each person in order to know what to expect and be prepared, and yet, as we see, this is an imperfect process.

What is meant by an “open heart”? For me it means being completely with and almost “as” that person while I am with them. Athletes call this “being in the zone.” Out of the “zone” I am another person that I know as “me.” But still, who is so perfectly confident, especially with work that does not have a linear measurable outcome, that the rejection by another is not in varying degrees profoundly painful? It may be some comfort to realize that even if “K” is receiving more help with this new therapist now, that person is building on the hard work that you have done previously.